I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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