my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
