it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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