I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
