Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
