I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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