Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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