my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
