From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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