I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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