Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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