omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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