Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
