Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
