Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
