I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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