Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
