i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
