I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
