P.S. I can't hear my feet
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
