I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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