Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
