I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
