I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
