He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
