someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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