I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
