When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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