you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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