i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
