the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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