Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
