she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
