i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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