The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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