i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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