It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
