I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
