I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
