We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
