One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
