I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
