im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
