If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
