I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
