tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
