my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
