at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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