why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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