Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
