and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
